Thursday, October 4, 2018

Letting Go 20 - Father

Yes, its first 5th October of my life when there is no longer you around. Just like the sky that changes over time, or the river making a new course, or like the dew drop creating soothing sound of falling on a pool in a late winter night my conscious life with you rapidly seems like a moment, which is gone. Gone forever.

The more days pass my memory plays a trick. It begins by showing the face when you were leaving us with immense pain, probably a burning sensation of heart slowly giving up and a liminal phase of rapidly falling bloodsugar. I remember myself saying my last goodbyes as I saw mother crying out. I consoled "how long do you want him to suffer? let him go." Your face, that face of a person you love, facing death, I remember, it was not smooth. It is never smooth for anyone. The spectacle changes you, once and for all. There was no tears for me, till today! I was holding your hand, feeling the body giving away with the heat that used to comfort me back in my childhood. Adulthood is only for detachment. Yes, I do not remember hugging you ever before you really fell sick with  a growing tumor! I remember how different it was, I remember I was easily hugging you in your last days and that wiped off my childhood memories. Slowly telling  me Suman, you are going to loose him. I whispered back "sooner the better!"

You cried looking at you sitar. You shouted, "My sitars are crying for me, let me play some music!" Yes, you tried, tried hard. I remember you allowed me for the first time to record a few of them which you had avoided throughout your life! Perhaps it was a father's wish not to abandon the home, erase the music completely.

You know, it has disappeared! I no longer come back after an exhaustive day and enter into the home listening you playing your favourite ragas in sitar.

Life is never the same, nor the world! I wish I do not forget your smell, your touch, your fingers and above all the musical childhood which you gifted me!

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