Showing posts with label letting go. Show all posts
Showing posts with label letting go. Show all posts

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Letting go 17: Space that saves you

You never know what saves you from sheer disaster. Sometimes the place where you feel that you belong to lifts you up from a sure fall on your face. And then you grow up and migrate. You are forced to leave or might choose to do so. When you leave and you wake up in the middle of night to search for the space only to find the time and space gone for long. You pull and concentrate through your long blood vessels. They rush!  Sometimes even within your dreams you search for the body of the space - your bed, pillows, a window, the slice of sky and pair of eyes or a known smell - all lost (?)in time only to be found in the never-ending circles of time space sandwich.
 

And then you begin your search for the 'lost' in space. You find your imagined marks on the corners of your corridors or on the rooftop. Those whitewash renovations could only transform those walls and not your marks anymore. Not because they are imagined but because they are transcendental. They continue to lift you up, save you, make you relive many more ways than you would ever know.

Monday, October 2, 2017

Reading riot and a river

We, a team of psychologists, activists and anthropologist were exploring different riot and riot like situations for a few years now. Yesterday was another round of fieldwork after a few months of Baduria-Basirhat violence. We began by talking to two brothers who lost their father and helped a person from other comnunity to survive, we met a handful of people who stopped their own community people from spreading the violence even further. We kept talking about the possible impact of the mistrust between the two. We kept thinking will this mistrust ever go away? Meanwhile, we met a child who witnessed mob attack on their house. When we tried to explore how did he remember? He started to sob... trauma remains deep inside. What the grownups could hide, present in a way they thought we needed to here, the child showed us the ugly face of it, least filtered. All of us fell short of words and that moment seemed like eaternity. How to face the child, how to face the world, we didn't know. Yes, we knew we have nothing more to know. For the day. His father gave words to the moment : 'I am 40+, my father is 75 we have never seen this before, see my child, only at the age of 8 he has seen it... i dont know what he thinks about them'.

Our team became silent once and perhaps for the day.

We needed a vent out. We needed recollect and become the whole and contend again. We knew river  Ichhamati is nearby! How does a river help you everytime you need? Sometimes, river waits for you at the corner of your world to engulf your exhaustion. To unburden yourself, to seek refuge after you see things after the world asks you, what have you done to it!

Monday, September 25, 2017

Walking through a river: After a drink or two

Now is the time for you to see beyond focus, like you always have after a drink or two.

While there are moments of juxtaposed boundaries kaleidoscope like to call as postmodern, there are also materialistic times that make focus disappear once and forever.

What does it entail? A pair of wet eyes because of a departure whether you had expected or not, or an overworked late capital dream that hardly finds time for the better things of life, but continues to subscribe to the dream meanwhile lose the eyesight.

How does it do? There lies a pair of legs that drags the bloody machine still busy with a handheld device hardly getting a time to see the spectacle of the festival over the waste water canal that goes to the river nearby. Ah, River! the word echoes for a while. The pair of eyes look up for the smell and sound of water kissing the shore. A screen engaged eye cannot see the world outside.

The spectacle remains so does the river in the distant past. Like ghosts from the colonial past kaleidoscope listens once again the lines he uttered-"Now is the time for you to see beyond focus, like you always have after a drink or two."

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Letting go 16: an accident, a song and dealing with the past

It was one fine winter morning that Kaleidoscope started another journey to the the field. It was part of his project that began with river and ended underground - yes you have guessed it right it was his project on irrigation. Funded adequately by the ministry of water resources and kaleidoscope could even hire helicopter if needed. However, he was happy with a travera - big enough to take everything you need if you have to spend the night inside the vehicle.
Yes, he had to face severe disruptions because at one part of bardhaman local administration arrested illegal opium cultivators and hence he had to spend the night inside the vehicle at one of the connecting roads to the NH 2. Now thats another incident but this one is more serious than that!
Next morning half awaken kaleidoscope along with a small team of special research group started his journey towards another village. Kaleidoscope sitting on front was careful enough to use his seat belt. The driver his beloved and skilled Chhotu directly hit a truck from the backside. Kaleidoscope's forehead stopped inches away from the bend brass made flag hoister used by the owner of that travera once in a while to express his gratitude to the country.
Kaleidoscope survived because of the seatbelt.
Did he? He was blinded for a while and then all he could listen to was the famous song 'Mauja hi mauja' from the wonderful movie 'Jab We Met'.
The entire team for the last one weak was enjoying this particular song whenever their travera speed up in the highway. It was 2007.
Since then kaleidoscope has always tried to avoid this brilliant song. He changed the television channel, turned off the radio and never kept this song in his computer or other devices.
Of late kaleodoscope started exploring google play music online and on his way to work he had to listen to this song once more. At first he thought of switching off google play online but somehow he liked the tune of the song once again!
He could actually go back to the song once again. He could go back to the moment before that accident and there are no other moments with the song after the accident.
It took roughly a decade to settle down. It takes time. It does. But kaleidoscope knows life goes on. Like 'Mauja hi mauja', moments can be relieved, moments can be dealt with!
One can actually repair, relive.
PS. No one was fatally injured and the everything was in order except for the windscreen and bonnet and that song!

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Letting go 16: seeing like a romeo

The sky often makes you fly even if it is meant for a moment. A moment - a lifetime perhaps through an endless cycles. The biography of rain begins from the ground. The mid-day summer sun, no matter how often brings sweaty water on Kaleidoscopic skin, gives those drops wings to fly. Sometimes, these drops give a wild appeal to kaleidoscope as well. Makes kaleidoscope fall in love with the memories of his love making with the river, stormy lived experiences with the ocean and then the lusty lonely private affairs with the rain. The rain finally stops flying with the cloud, it looses its connections to the wind that blows and eventually falls like lovers depart forever. The sky cries out through a thunderstorm. Kaleidoscope knows somewhere there is are great departures as the sky howls and monsoon lets it settle down for ever. Yes, water - rain is a great equalizer.
Its just not the same when lovers depart. Its not just the same as kaleidoscope imagines to piece together every moments which have become numerous fragments and are lost in the endless succession of ever increasing complex and multi-layered other moments.
Meanwhile as kaleidoscope searches for the rivery reflections - the lost moments - a name - a smell the rain gets settled like all disruptions and tear drops do. Kaleidoscope like everyone else wipes raindrops from the eyes but not entirely.
Like the broken windshield kaleidoscope carries millions of suns to evaporate and like a car wiper rain drops do remains.
Perhaps that establishes connections- perhaps that brings the rain. Perhaps this is why kaleidoscope lives even a million drops away from the river, from the ocean from the cloud!
Kaleidoscope could capture the following intimate moments- indeed private affairs!

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Letting go15: Phallic chair and liminality

The chair with a phallus

The phallus story

The chair sits with an arm spread like a phallus - a parallel phallus looking away from the window towards an even greater world. The phallus looks at the shallow dark table hole. The chair arms could disappear under the table hole - and can never come back unless it is pulled out externally. Does a chair only has to move towards that dark end of a table - like a patriarch which disappears and find itself facing an emptiness? Or can it also look at the corner of its eyes to see the window, outside of which rain falls - like it always has in the green monsoon.


The liminal story

An empty chair is a liminality. An empty chair is a question that asks other vital questions of transcendence. Does it transcend time, subject and space together? Or does it only challenge the moment? The challenge is  to predict how long this moment of emptiness lasts? Does it last for ever - abandoned or does it an uncertain time lag - a stop gap. Perhaps the chair does not know, or does it?

Water, bridging the gap

It was just another day in the not so charming office with a quick and unexpected break from the class schedule that Kaleidoscope discovered this affair in his tiny little staff corner. Kaleidoscope doesn't know whether the chair focusing towards the table bottom, ithyphallus was part of a regular love affair designed by people since the inception of civilisation? Meanwhile the rain comes and bridges all the classifications. Rain brings water from every corner of Kaleidoscope's classified and culturally mediated world. It washes away all, only to question his cognitive assumptions. Meanwhile, it may so happen, that the chair and table belonged to part of a forest where they have been separated from their lovers for ever - and hence both are in a heterotopic space, lusty and lonely. Kaleidoscope sat beside them to listen to their stories to realise the deep rooted patriarchy in Kaleidoscopic imagination. He could finally lost in the forest of stories to trace the roots of platonic love affairs. The sound of bee and finally the rain. Kaleidoscope knows somewhere the rain is still bridging the gaps between all departed souls, to all the moments who would never stay or come back. The chair however continued to narrate the story, beside the window as Kaleidoscope left the place to an even more deeper liminality and switches off the lights for hours, for the night... for eternity. 

Friday, May 12, 2017

Letting go 13 - defining maturity

Like a falling leaf carrying ages of scripts, a flower that is over with its blooming moments, like a tree that dries with all its memories - patterns do change. No one knows when is the time to learn that its over for the old pattern and the beginning of something new! Time does not come in neatly bounded boxes, or does it? Like we know all major lifecycle events present life in chapters!

What happens when you know you have to wait for something to happen? You know you have smashed the keys, missed the final train, and you know those roads are no longer accessible and you are yet to start the 'new chapter'. When the rules of thumb dont apply anymore and like a wild fire the forest is burning!

You try to pull the poor self away from the forest of memories through the sleepless night and day. Laughing at you loud is your failure. You become entangled, cling with memories and dragged by the flow of time.

Like all that is lost  - the key, the roads and the final train, something continues,no matter how entangled, dragged and torn apart. Like frameless heads with endless possibilities you drift away. Being nowhere and everywhere.

Now that's what they call maturing - the series of letting goes. Yes kaleidoscope grows so does the world!

Friday, February 24, 2017

Letting go 11: Surreal evening with the river

An evening with the river

Not everyday ends up in a surreal evening, not every sunset and darkness brings two lonely whispering souls to whisper their lonely love affairs without talking of love at all. Like two best friends share a secret and then disappear in the soil or turn into ashes to blow away with the river stream, whispering begins. The story however, remains unknown and concealed. Like the forest becomes library in the twilight, rivers whisper near the bank, a surreal world unwraps in an extraordinary sunsets. 


A walk along the riverbank in the twilight, sometimes during a surreal sunset reveals story threads. Stories and discoveries that never fails to make kaleidoscope mesmerised. With the approaching darkness kaleidoscope could feel the river engulfing his soul. Before disappearing he could smell the wind blowing. A homecoming storm comes out of nowhere and claims all the words spoken, the moment shared!The sandy dusts and water blows through kaleidoscope's face. Quite the same way wind plays with your hair in a windy highway, kaleidoscope could feel home coming storm inside. 
Words and moments begin to dance around his soul, like a stream of consciousness in blood rushing through his vain. It synchronizes with a rapidly beating heart, fast breathing. Kaleidoscope could see all senses synchronizing in the tune of riverine whispers. He could eventually smell the riverine aroma and before disappearing in the riverine darkness he could listen to the whispering words -  'all yours.'

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Letting go 10: fairy lights in everyday life

Light? Object? or the objects of the light

'Light is all you can see.' Its true and boring. Kaleidoscope thinks, what if the world is as boring as the statement made above? There would have been only one thing, the light itself. If all are light then things we see are not the things themselves, rather lights or reflections of those things. What happens when light penetrates and comes out of the object? Doesn't it create different dimensions of objects?
A. The objects as reflected - the light of the object
B. The light as penetrates, hence,the objects of the light.
We can have dual selves of the object and also the dual selves of the objects and light itself.

Kaleidoscope finds that here lies the beginning of disintegrated reality. It is multiple, postmodern and based on interpretations of the object itself. The object in our perception is no longer the thing but a thing among several other seemingly related things. The way you interpret the way it is.

Enough, of the light, objectivity and thingification. What happens when you encounter such seemingly unrelated dimensions of things? Kaleidoscope gives it a thought.
For kaleidoscope its no longer the thing but a thing in a sense that there are multiple things that comes and occupies in mind and take you to the fairies.
So that he finds purple rain falling from a dark sky in his good old city when the sunlight comes through bougainvillea that grows each year caring nothing of the concrete jungel nearby. Kaleidoscope whispers to the forest nearby as the new foliage comes out after the fall. It is beginning to store stories of a multiple world as the new leaves allow sunlight to pass through. Just like the innocence that allows everything to penetrated, never judging or demanding a perspective.

The objects of the light drags kaleidoscope to travel through a warehouse of mesmerising overlapping narratives. Sometimes it shows rainbow in the spider web, purple rain in the bougainvillea, snowstorms in the grasslands and a whole outer space in the new leaves.


The light that comes and makes you discover the fairies surrounding you, always inviting you to a parallel world waiting for you to discover.

 A few more are there for you, to discover the pathway towards fairies! Kaleidoscope would love to see others finding their fairies as well!





Saturday, February 4, 2017

Letting go 6: Kaleidoscopic highway and the river

Whenever Kaleidoscope meets the river, he is mesmerised. Its reflected in his not too conspicuous eyes. Kaleidoscope knows that very well.  He can see his reflection on the river and rivery eyes.

Since, he is more often than not live in an imagined world, where everything is like fairy tales, he sets off to a journey. A journey through a lonely highway. A highway that wraps itself up as Kaleidoscope navigates through it. So, kaleidoscope is having a long... long highway. A highway that waits for kaleodoscope so that it could transform into a life long river with a prolonged and delayed setting sun somewhere around the corner. The more he navigates towards the west the more he sees the  universe mesmerising with the Kaleidoscopic journey through the river... with the river... for the river.

Kaleidoscope heads towards the west not to defy the time, not to challenge the sky, but to be mesmerised and embedded within the highway that turns into the river - kaleidoscope's river. The Sun would smile and make the meeting point of sky and highwayish river spectacular.

Just before the darkness engulfs he would enter into a creek, because before disappearing, he wishes to make an adventure, quite like taking his river to an unknown, undulating forest land. A late winter forest, filled with fallen leaves everywhere. Kaleidoscope could touch them, kiss them. They would kiss back as kaleidoscope and the river enters into the forest. They would kiss their feet.. creep up through the calves as an welcome gesture. They would whisper the lovestory into the forest core as the river holds Kaleidoscope's hand...

Eventually the river will take the entire forest land to a melting point, wet in lust and passion for love filled encounters. While kaleidoscope would dissolve and make love with the river. The darkness and setting sun would let the world know of a love story in silhouette. Entire cosmos would celebrate and melt down with the river. There will be No movement towards the west but the setting Sun would wait and give a few more moments to the spectacle... 

'We do encounter long evenings don't  we?' - an old and brown leaf would ask the tree!

Somewhere in a busy tropical cityscape another river would ask her kaleidoscope the impossibility 'is there a Maple tree here? The leaf look so similar!'

Somewhere, another highway would prepare itself for another journey. This is why there are highways to discover, rivers to fall in love with... moments to make love!

Monday, November 21, 2016

Letting go 4: Can you talk of love at all?

So, how many times did Kaledoscope find himsef falling short of words to express what is going on inside his head? Well, it's countless. Kaleidoscope often have felt that there are lot to say, lot to make the other understand. He often has made  plans: a checklist of words, sentences  and points that he wishes to tell, to share, to make understandable by the other. However, when the moment comes he often fails miserably.

How does he fail?

1. He tries to put his thought into words and then after some time he finds so many fill in the blanks in his script! May be he expresses through his body language but such language often remains undeciphered or may be he is equally poor with his body languages.

2. With repeated failure he often stops talking. He often gives up saying things that he used to say regularly. Then all that are left in a conversation is idle chatter!

When the question of love comes Kaleidoscope can only utter the words to express the way he is dragged towards the image of love and not the love per se. In his intimate moments with person, places and the like he finds himself in an absolute shortage of words. He describes the situation as silence! Yes an word to escape from himself! Yes it is silence outside and a storm of ignited passion inside. He often asks himself 'what you talk of when you talk of love?' he has also documented in his earlier post that its the 'Silence.'

Well, silence of what kind?

Silence because of the shortage of words?

Silence because the other as Kaleidoscope perceives can read a lot from a silence?

Silence because of the pain he has to take up?

Silence for prolonged broken promises?

Silence because of memories and inheritance of loneliness?

Or perhaps a combination of so many things of compatibility and incompatibility with kaleidoscopic self , the world and the imagined world.

Kaleidoscope just like others still searches for the answers to one of his primordial questions now 'what we talk of when we talk of love?' In addition to another and more persistent one 'did we know what love is? Do we have the capacity to even imagine, the feel the passion the tenderness of a state of being we so reluctantly label as love?'

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Letting go: What happens when you leave?

Kaleidoscope has just finished his wonderful days at the wonderland. When he was shocked by the fact that he has to leave the place he fell in love with, has to stop seeing the river he can't live without, he was numb. He knew that best days of his life was about to get over. Its not that he never thought about this day. He knew he would be shattered when these days would be over. He had in his distant thought about the things that would have happened when he leaves the place he is so attached to. When the moment arrived he fell short of words to describe exactly what was going on inside his self.

The abrupt departure:

The nature of attachment Kaleidoscope had would made any departure abrupt to him.  He made it sure that he leaves without tears, he made it sure that he leaves with a positive mind. On his way back he talked to the river and to himself, said its not the end. Its a beginning with a new journey at a new place. He also expected a new journey with his friends at the wonderland. He expected new beginnings at the new place.

A divided and restless soul:

Its now about two months. One part of his soul still lives at wonderland and perhaps will never leave the place ever. Perhaps there is another part of his self,  an imposed division, which he had to make because of the sudden change of place. Now when he roams around the city where he grew up and has so many memories, he finds himself as a complete stranger in the middle of a crowded place, all alone, attempting to find a refuge, attempting to develop a language to converse with.

Everydayness and the loneliness:

He is transferred to a new part of his city, rather an extended part, specifically designed to house the Information Technology hub. Everyday he travels in a crowded bus to reach his work place. He cannot estimate the time needed because he almost forgot to calculate time and distance, keeping in mind the traffic conditions. He usually lets go most of the over crowded buses and stands alone in a fleeting bus stand to see people come and go. He sweats, looks around the busy people talking over phone, or arguing with the bus conductors and fellow passengers. Often nothing registers in his mind. He looks out, tries to transcend his contextual change and imagine the highway rides, sunsets over the river, kisses and smells of the waves that made him survive so many hurdles of his everyday life.
When stuck at traffic jam Kaleidoscope never gets irritated, he is usually in a process of churning the memories, because memories are all he has.

The return:

Kaleidoscope could perhaps never return to the wonderland, to the river, to the lover like he used to rush everyday, every moment. He could, perhaps never be the one with the wave. Perhaps he would never cry out thousand rivers. He would never be the same again.
However, kaleidoscope returns everyday, every night in his dreams, sometimes in a surreal way to his river. His soul claims the river, the sunset and the wonderful highway.
Would it ever be the same again? Would the river give him another chance, another time to cry, tell a story. The story of growing up misplaced. Would his highway set him free like it used to be?

Sunday, February 15, 2015

FROZEN MOMENTS - a note to self

Kaleidoscope had very many letting go experiences and with time he thought he has mastered the art quite well. Until recently he was developing a self that could let go anything. His recent self enriching reading and experiences with the "setting" was paving way to let go anything. While Kaleidoscope finds his letting go self becoming powerful,  he finds something to hold on, to never let go - a feeling coming from within.

Frozen....
Clearly the river Dulung with whom he has recently fallen in love is taking him to his previous self  that fights with itself -  a self which he has buried years ago. The graveyard has been such a distant place that his past has trouble to remember his date of birth - point of origin.

However, with a cup of coffee Kaleidoscope makes a time travel simply because he is having too many frozen moments with the river. He finds out:

SELF denial

self DENIAL

Hallucination

S   P   A   C   E   S

Self Deprivation


and


finally the key word


ACCEPTANCE


Therefore, whenever, Kaleidoscope experiences a high frequency of frozen and cinematic moments with Dulung, he must also be conscious to make each moments count... so that even when he has another letting go experience - he manages to do justice with the key word ACCEPTANCE...  

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Rapes, outrages and letting go: Delhi (ites), Kolkata (ns), Mumbai (kars) and others

Medical teachers and students express their protest against Delhi rape case while taking out a candle march in Chandigarh on Friday. - Photo: Akhilesh Kumar (From The business line)

Kaleidoscope like many others have a strong faith on the public sphere and civil society movements but he is afraid of the increasing politicisation of civil which ultimately makes each of such movements futile. It starts with the Delhi rape case, continues with Kamduni case and showing similar voices in yesterday's Mumbai rape case in which till now two accused have been arrested. Public media, opposition and important others comment on the lack speedy trial, police patrolling (i.e. law enforcement), and a fearlessness among the people at large are the reasons for these heinous crimes. One thing that often ignored is the socialisation practice with which Kaleidoscope's society up-brings their children and the nature and extent of reluctance to take preventive measures.

Gangs of Kamduni and gangs of neighbourhood:

In Kamduni case the place of rape was a relatively empty road (BDO office road) which connects Kamduni crossing to Madhyamgram. The stretch goes through fisheries allegedly infested with fish mafias. Taking a girl away even in the daylight has been quite easy.

Similar rape hotspot can be found anywhere in and around the city of Kolkata. Take the instance of Kaleidoscope's place. Kaleidoscope with his post Belghoria Expressway life has changed the route to reach the city. He goes through a small alleyway which connects his house with the expressway. In post lunch sessions Kaleidoscope reluctantly sees a gang of young to middle aged persons playing cards. They occupy more than half of the alleyway with their circled sitting arrangement just beside the numerous apartments under construction. The play session goes on till night. Although apparently they play cards, but clearly they gamble, drink country liquor, use slangs, and stares at passing-by girls and women. Kaleidoscope is amazed with the reluctance from his locality and indifference from the houses in-front of which they play cards. In post evening when most of the Kaleidoscope's neighbours are busy in watching television mega-serials they can do whatever they want in the apartments under construction, hence, the vulnerability of a girl passing through that alleyway is potentially quite high. There are empty rooms in hundreds of incomplete apartments, there is an relatively empty alleyway which connects to an expressway, and there are intoxicated card players. 

What happened to the community? 

The question that Kaleidoscope asks himself before looking at the public sphere "Why Kaleidoscope is reluctant? Why don't he say something to that gang?" The answer is the image of fear. They are supposedly having strong network with both politics and local mafias. They are involved in construction business and are also the middlemen. Taking steps to stop them from playing cards is difficult, primarily because apparently they are just playing and relaxing with their circles of friends, so Kaleidoscope really does not have a strong ground to oppose what they are doing. Furthermore, because of their nexus with the local politics getting the leader's support for removing them is highly unlikely. 

The only hope is the civil society/public sphere/community of the locality in which Kaleidoscope resides. They are too busy (as Kaleidoscope too is) with other matters, and since, there is not a single incident happened so far, people do not bother to look at the potential threats and do not take preventive measures.

On the other hand, each of the families of Kaleidoscope's locality is moved by the Delhi or Kamduni cases. They frequently show frustration with the depressing performance of law enforcers but fail to account for the fact that society runs on largely informal social controls and that law enforcement with law enforcers in every corner of our country is impossible. Hence, Kaleidoscope along with others shouts, protests against the rapes, criticises government and legal systems but do not mobilise against what happens at the very next alleyway everyday. 

Socialisation practices:

When Kaleidoscope speaks about socialisation practices he not only means the formal socialisation institutions like family and schools he also entails to focus on the informal mechanisms of socialisation including television, internet, pornographies, advertisements, peer groups, local/regional/school/college gangs and so on and so forth. When the card-players play at the link-road towards Belghoria expressway, Kaleidoscope sees many young adults (12 - 15 years of age) are watching and enjoying the games. They look and tend to imitate their lifeways, hence, these card-players dens are also actively a breeding grounds of the future card-players.

What happens next?

Next, Kaleidoscope posts this text in his blog, shares it in facebook, awaits comments and likes until another news breaks. If it is not in Kaleidoscope's alleyway he feels a momentarily secured until something really happens on the way to Belghoria Expressway.  

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Boy-I, an university examination and letting go


When Kaleidoscope immerses himself in his examination management he gets a call from a room number where a candidate appears to feel sick... Kaleidoscope along with AM, rushes there to find Boy-I crying. He has already broken a couple of pens, torn off his university admit card and registration certificate.

I
Kaleidoscope asks him "what happened?"

Boy - I: I cannot recall anything. (sobs)
K: Do you find the question hard?
B: No, I know everything but cannot recall. (Sobs)
K: Okay, take some time... would you care for some water.
B: No reply...(keeps his head on the hight bench, on the answer-script)

Kaleidoscope thinks for a while to give him some time off... He goes out and then comes back withing 15 mins to find Boy-I being in the same position.

K: (Now that K, knows the name of the Boy-I) Bo- I, come with me, you don't have to write... come with me in another room...

II

Boy-I listens to... and comes with K, and then falls on the floor. Kaleidoscope holds him and almost carries him to the first floor in Kaleidoscope's department... he runs the AC on and starts talking to Boy-I. What Kaleidoscope deciphers is that

A. Boy-I is having this problem of being unable to recall anything once he sees the question paper after his Higher Secondary examination.
B. Despite of being a poor student he has a honours course in Geography because his maternal uncle has some source in some college
C. He belongs to a poverty stricken family, his father is a farmer
D. He has faced similar problem in the last year, in consequence he had to drop out a year
E. He does not want to live anymore.

Kaleidoscope has AP, who can help him with Geography. So, AP arrives and tries to help him recall something... and he writes something.

Now, that Boy-I is ready to submit his answerscript Kaleidoscope takes his answerscript and asks for a phone number so that Boy-I can be given to a safe hand.

After giving the number Boy-I throws off his quite costly mobile phone (gifted by some elder brother), tears off pages of his geography notes and starts to take out more notes from the bag until Kaleidoscope stops him.

His maternal uncle and his father comes and Kaleidoscope narrates the story and suggests them to take Boy-I to a psychiatrist, or a counselor.

III

Yes, Boy I's father is a farmer, maternal uncle works as a wage earner. Boy-I reads, writes and attends college regularly but somehow, fails to recall in moments of pressure. Kaleidoscope perhaps will never know what happens after Boy-I leaves the college...


Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Shaving cream, socialisation and the lack of it

Kaleidoscope has been constantly testing his energy level with never ending answer scripts filled with  meaningless words to be evaluated, things to read which he has been procrastinating since he is aware that  reading is important, coast to coast travels, lectures, notes, downloaded books, facebookish friend sphere and regular updates. Each of the tests involves a constant maintenance of his presentable being. Hence, he has to prepare, create and recreate his self often in accordance with the demands made by the structural forces he often thinks absent.

So here it goes...

Kaleidoscope thinks of going out with himself - he just goes out to shoot!

Kaleidoscope thinks of going out to present himself - he shaves, looks at the wardrobe with an attempt of not repeating clothes so as to avoid wardrobe malfunction - thinks of what to say and what not to say - prepares - presents - in sum Socialises...

Anti-Socialise?
Is is anti? should it be called as un?... perhaps none... Why?
Because even when Kaleidoscope shoots... he looks for a space to share it! So the Facebook survives. He often adds effects, so, presentation survives... Kaleidoscope likes to receive more Likes... therefore, socialisation survives....

Yeah, thats a oops! moment...

The question is which one of the Kaleidoscopes is expendable?

Well even if the answer is not sure... Kaleidoscope knows the most probable answer is NONE...

and that is another oops!! 

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Stabbed corpse and letting go



The corpse is stabbed again. It is not new that the corpse is stabbed, and its not even a significant incident for the corpse or the stabber or the world, yet corpse is writing about it because empathy is impossibility and Corpse has to unburden itself.

It is a slow but steadily monotonous process of making the stabber convince about corpse's decision. Whenever, corpse finds light at the horizon the process reverse back and corpse is stabbed again. Corpse lets it go, with a hope of a brighter tomorrow when the stabber is sad with the stabbing weapon become tear.

But that never happens and corpse is stabbed again.

In the mean time Kaleidoscope arrives with his analytical lens and tries to convince the corpse about the multiplicity of the world and the possible causes of Corpse being stabbed again and again. Kaleidoscope speaks about the possible cultural hangover, stereotypes and constructs that both the stabber and stabbed have. He points to the incompatibility of these possibilities and that even the Corpse might have stabbed the stabber.

Corpse is confused about the stabbing occasion, but could not let it go. It understands its version of the reality which increases its confusion, but from the core of its stabbed heart it just can not let it go. Kaleidoscope understands the difference between analytical distance of the social world and compromised dissolution of boundaries in the personal world. Both the Corpse and Kaleidoscope are awfully tired and need some sleep.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Shrove : The corpse and letting go



I am corpse from the past. I believe I am still here and writing nonsense in the blog because no one let me go! Its not that I have so many people who loved me and could not think of a world without my existence, rather it is my actions which made me unforgettable. It is my sins which made me stay and never allowed me to go. My heart stopped pumping yesterday or may be the day before (CAMUS? yeah I am not a good writer) how could I know? I am like many walking with a decomposed soul!

I think you have identified me. Its sweet thing that after a while after reading some nonsense suddenly it starts making sense. I know, I know its self reflection and I am part of you! You are facing the mirrored image.

You remember you lied? you lied to a person you felt most close to you? you remember you never kept promises which you should have? you remember your fickle nature killed so many souls and your too included?

I know you remembered...

Now let me say my story... I was alive and well... I was joyous, had dreams to make others happy... but unknowingly I was self centered. Nothing in this world was more important to me than myself. Can you identify two souls living with a single heart? Perhaps not. You need more explanation.
My first soul was the ideal soul - my expectation from me - to be happy, to make others happy, to be responsible, to be caring, to be sensitive and emotional who understands others!
My second soul was the real soul (of which I was long unaware) - I was not happy with myself and the way things were arranged, I never wanted others to be happy, I always looked for an excuse to escape from responsibilities, I never cared for others, I was not sensitive and emotional!

Now what killed my soul?

Its just the consciousness, yeah my awareness about the difference between my ideal and real soul killed my heart. It has stopped pumping - and yet I am here with decomposed soul, because nothing lets me go... I can not let me go